I wanna passion pit in your ass
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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