Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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