so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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