ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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