im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
