Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
