Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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