One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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