i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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