sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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