and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
