I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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