Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
