My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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