I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
