I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
