she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
