wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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