You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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