We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
