So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
