just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
