There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize