i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize