I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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