Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
