He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
