So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
