# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
