Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
