just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
