I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
