I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
