That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Your penis caused this!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
