Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
