If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
