I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
