She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
