somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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