Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
A bitchslap is in order.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
