final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
