I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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