i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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