Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
