Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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