his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to sanitize my soul.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
