when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
