Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
