I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
