no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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