you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
