You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
