One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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