sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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