I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
