Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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