hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
