I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
