she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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