you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
