just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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