So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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