My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
