i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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