he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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