Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize