M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
